Free Birds

Well, Thanksgiving is almost upon us. To Americans, it’s about being together with close friends and family members, being grateful for what we have. To others, it’s about forgetting that our ancestors nearly wiped out an entire race of people by binging on turkey. It’s a holiday that doesn’t really need a family movie about it. But we got Free Birds. When I first saw the trailer to this movie, I had no idea what to make of it. But the marketing wanted me to remember it was produced by that one guy who produced Shrek. Cause that’s what people look for in their films, the guy who funded it. The “From the producer of Shrek” marketing tag line strategy worked so well for that hobo piss stained building that was once called Vanguard Animation (Look it up.) It’s like saying “From that guy who saw Madagascar with his kids at a Matinee showing.” Okay, I’m getting side tracked. The trailer for Free Birds just threw so much at me in just three minutes. It looked like the script was written by 5 year olds who typed up whatever came to their heads. And that’s what the entire 90 minute movie feels like.

A turkey named Reggie, voiced by Owen Wilson cause he has nothing better to do, gets pardoned by the President Generic-Enough-To-Keep-The-Movie-From-Being-Datedson, and lives the life by watching TV and eating Chuck E. Cheese’s pizza (I guess not even Papa John’s was cheap enough for the food tie in.). But that changes when a muscle bound Turkey named Jake, abducts him for his mission sent forth to him by the Great Turkey. To go back in time to the first Thanksgiving to get turkeys off the menu. They managed to travel back to the 1600’s and attempt to help a flock of wild turkeys, who dolled up like stereotypical Native Americans, hiding from a hunter, who is of course, the main villain. With his all black attire, over the top menacing design, and needlessly talks like a pirate, the hunter has an unnatural obsession with catching turkeys and you’d except him to be a villain from a children’s’ TV cartoon then a feature length movie. And none of the other characters are entertaining either. Reggie just whines about how good it was to sit on his feathered ass eating pizza, while Jake just responds by acting all Commando. And the rest of the characters? They’re just there to fill in generic roles in an animated movie. The love interest, the parent who dies to have a forced sad moment, and side characters who say the same thing over and over again so they’d have something for their talking plush toys. It would be a bit more tolerable if the humor was at least funny. But it’s not. The visual humor and jokes are like something you’d find in a children’s animated tv show.

The animation ranges from passable to something you’d see in some cheap CGI tv cartoon. The Turkey’s fingers are actually their wing feathers, which is like something you’d see in a hand drawn cartoon. But since it’s computer animated, their fingers are paper thing which makes it look weird. The human characters look even worse and even downright ugly. Their models look almost like something you’d see in Jimmy Newtron. No joke!

Overal, the animation, characters, story, humor and even concept, is more like something you’d see in a children’s TV cartoon then a theatrical film. I’m even convinced Hollywood executives will green light any animated project that stretches the concept of a tv show/short cartoon into a feature length movie. Further proving my point, I saw the trailer to this upcoming animated movie called “The Nut Job”. A squirrel and rodents try to break into a nut store…and that’s it. That’s what the whole movie is about. Rodent’s breaking into a nut store while occasionally dancing to Harlem Shuff-Ah, I’m getting side tracked again! You know what, if the Hollywood dosent care, why should I?! I’m just gonna end my review here!

1 out of 4 stars.